Hospital trip

Oh yeah I was in the hospital a few days ago. It was terrible. I had a terrifying allergic reaction. Something so called prophylaxis. Its when my muscles tense up everywhere in my body and my throat especially and i simply stop breathing after a while. Mum called the ambulance when she seen me red with a swollen face. My eyes itched and then after like 10 min I was in an ambulance unable to breathe. It was a nightmare.. HUH    I was fine after they gave me drugs like ant-histamine and adrenaline. People in the hospital were so nice :3

I just can't do it

I am finding this really difficult. I don't want to be in  relationship with a best friend. I want my perfect sixth former. Why won't he talk to me?! WHY?! I dont understand I would try to talk to someone who talked to me before... For Christmas I would that guy to at least show a little interest. I dont know why i feel so strongly about him...we never even spoke. Huh this strange. It takes me months or years to fall for someone and there i am, crazy for a person I don't know. Someone i see around school. This is killing me! Not literally. Anyway, parents argue a lot recently. Its scary sometimes. I think at some points that one of them will do something they might regret later. I am kind of worried about  everything. Its hard concentrating on studying if some many stuff is going on. I try, i really do. I just feel like crying all the time. I started crying on the way to school because of the problems we have at home. Everything is just happening to fast at the same time. I just can't deal with that.

Hopefully new me

Since I am a sad little individual I am stopping with all of the depressive thoughts about how shit I am and how ugly I am. I decided to make a list of things I need to improve and things I will not do. I will call this "The new me list" :

• I will not bring myself down when it comes to my weight 
• I will not get depressed over no relationship
• I will improve my grades 
• I will improve my attitude towards learning
• I will keep my room tidy
• I will be nice to everyone even if they dislike me. 

I am aware that there is a lot of "I" hahaaha oh well.Maybe this will help. 

The turn in the good ending.

I suspected it but never thought it might be true. I didn't write for ages because everything is going fine. I dont bring myself down about stuff. I just feel better as a person and I gave up on the sixth form guy although he is still extremely fit. I would go for him if he showed any sort of interest in me but meh I won't be a creep. Lol 

Anyway the first sentence of this post is about the fact my friend... lets call her Sally. Well, my friend sally decided to tell me that my best guy friend whom i play games with and shit fancies me. She told me but its not like he's asking me out. Its more like so i could think about the feelings I have towards him I guess. However the problem is that I have no other feelings towards him other than friendship love. Its just weird. Me falling for a guy I never talked to and I cant love my best guy friend. Im messed up... He is amazing and stuff but I don't think i would be able to love him in any other way than as a friend. The ending line Sally said was "think about it" and I am. I really am but i am thinking i can't like him! I also think that he probably would be an amazing boyfriend but i dont know why he just doesn't trigger that thing inside me that would make him attractive to me in a romantic manner. 

I guess I have my answer. I made a mistake once by going out with a friend. It really didn't go well when i broke up with him... REALLY. So thats a no if he asks me. 

I am a terrible person, I first moan about not finding someone special. But I push away someone who I am special to. AAAAH World is too confusing. I wish i could just make it work just right to suit me. 

Teachers Strike

Im the good student. The nice one.... well when i'm around teachers. The working hard one and other shit. Today teachers are striking however year 11 (my year) and sixth form is still going to the school. I dont feel well as in I feel ill so Im wondering whether I should go or stay. Although my mum insists on me going since she doesnt really believe me that I feel crappy. Mothers, eh? Im thinking that maybe I will get a worse cold by going and then she mimght believe me and then I will tell her in a very interesting however sarcastic manner "Im not ill, hmm?" Lol well g2g

Not fair

I am just too stupid for this or too young or maybe not experiences. I dont even know. But I feel so terrible... Like i tried my best and got all of my courage to say something to him even though its only online. I just fee fucking stupid. People dont realise what kind of person I am because they dont give me any kind of way to show them what Im like. I hate it I really do actually. If he continued the conversation he might've liked me. Im just so fucking ridiculous I hate myself and i want to disappear

Dissapointment

I am the stupidest person ever.... I spoke to him. I actually did after a while. I was playful and nice and talkative and he put a lot of "hahaha" but i dont think he was interested at all. I asked him a question just to get the conversation going and he just blanked me completely.I send him  message and he didn't reply although i knew he seen the message on fb  Im so fucking stupid. I just hate myself right now. Just simply ridiculous. I will just wait until someone special comes along. I will stop trying. Thats it. I dont care. I can end up with 30 cats for all i care. Im just a fat, ugly and naive teenager that needs to sort her brains out.

Moving this car forward!

So i decided to get my shit going about that little crush of mine. I made a move! No i didnt talk to him or say anything on facebook. You know what i actually did? I poked him on fb and liked his status in one day! WHAAAAAAAT? Its crazy right? If he pokes back it will be good.  xD Lolz Im totally living on the edge. I also had a history test which i revised a lot for since i had Fs and Ds in the past papers when it came to history. LOL I think i did well. :) Maybe this time I will get a C! :D woop woop usually though i get good grades in stuff not lower than a C so history is the only shit that i dont do well in :P

Little crush or desperation?

Once in your teenage life you have that little crush. Although in my opinion my crushing time has already passed about 2 years ago. Thats right, i didnt like anyone at all for 2 years. For a teenage girl it might be quite strange or not but Im not sure to be fair, it depends on the person I guess.Is it strange that I like someone who I didnt really speak to before? Maybe it is.  Anyway, I think I might be crushing on someone. I dont know when or how this happened but there is a guy in sixth form (year older than me) that I never really noticed before but now when I look at him I see a potential crush. Is it strange that I like someone who I didnt really speak to before? Maybe it is. Maybe I'm just really desperate since i didnt like anyone for a while.  He is good looking, plus he's geeky and I really find geeks cute. I never really had the chance to speak to him and also I didnt have him on facebook until yesterday. Haha yea, I kind of found out what his name was and did a little research and then added him on facebook. He accepted my request and also liked my profile picture haha which i found quite strange but sweet. So today I went to school and I just randomly walked around with my friends and then he walked past me and we kind of smiled at eachother. I dont know whether he was smiling at me or at himself randomly but I dont know. I might be just thinking bullshit. So I decided to see on his fb page if he has ask.fm so I could ask him some questions and maybe make friends first online or kik or anything so I wouldnt have to say who I was. Im really shy you see so I just wont talk to him like that because he will look at me strangely but I will do something, Im not sure what yet but Im open for any suggestions -.- 

Here we go

So since I am in my last year I decided to work harder than I ever did. I spent over an hour on my RE homework which and only got 6/8 marks. Its annoying. Anyway I got invited to prom my boy mate. Its nice. I will end up dancing with my friends anyway. Actually I don't see the point of going to prom with a date but I said yes since he is my friend. Hmmmm I got my halloween costume today and I look like a white rabbit slut in it. I put a cute white shirt under it and my mother told me to take that shirt off since the costume is suppose to be slutty. I was like "are you sure that's what parents should encourage? " I mean I never wear anything that uncovers so much so I guess its fine but slightly strange. I wanted to make an actual white rabbit costume but also so I look feminine in it however all I can do is look extremely slutty  now. If I dressed up as alice I could wear a cute dress but someone already took alice so Im a white rabbit since I love rabbits. :3

So Unexpected

Starting year 11 was simple however keeping the grades reasonably  acceptable was a different matter. My first actually week of school and I already have more than 3 essays to write and a few smaller homework that include completing my art assessment. Although in year 10 I thought that nothing could get worse and more stressful than it is now I do actually think that this year will much worse. Hopefully my brain won't explode at some point during this year. In addition to all of that stress I still have the worse ICT teacher in the universe. She might know what she's doing but she for some magical reason hates me. I dont understand. They make us change our school password four times a year and we are not allowed to have any of the previous ones. My memory is so terrible when it comes to passwords so I forgot my new one.On my ICT lesson I tried to log in and I couldn't. I tried so many combinations but nope.So I told her that I forgot my password and she just gave me the bitchiest look ever and said that its none of her business. Although in my opinion as a teacher her duty is to take care of problems of that sort. So I asked her if I could go to a man that changes passwords and all that crap (I didn't say that like that. I was more polite). She answered "No,you can't and now go and sit down " so I said that I won't be able to log in and she replied with her favorite sentence "That's none of my business " however this time she also added "Its your responsibility to remember the passwords you choose" and I was like yeah but I tried to remember it and i cant but i didn't want to argue so I sat down and just started screaming inside. While everyone was doing their work I was sat there and didn't know what to do. Later on in the lesson she said "who ever couldn't log in any of their accounts on the computer has a detention".  Fantastic eh? I was the only one who couldn't log in. I am still mad like hell .

I don't understand.

Life sucks! It is not as beautiful as it was back when we were children.I am so damn lonley I don't understand how I just put that fake smile on my face every day. I only hope that life gets better when we turn into adults. WOW i dont make any sense. Its late and Im tired and mentally unstable. I feel fat but I really want to eat. I feel so shit today. I help people all the time when they ask for it. But where do these people go when I need them for fucks sake. I hate every single person in this world and i hope everyone dies fucking cunts.

Starting Year 11.

As I welcomed the new school year i have also said "hi" to homeworks and stress. First day at school and in graphics we already got homework. I have to do 23 pages for graphics. Its not fun. In addition to all of that my spanish and form teacher quit their jobs so now I have a new form tutor who is Mr gay Cooper. He is actually gay but we have 2 Mr.Coopers so to tell them apart I call one gay and the other Cooper. Slightly homophobic but i have my reasons not to like him. When I was in year 7 (11 years old) We had to watch a pointless film on a lesson so i decided to do my homework and then he shouted at me so much I cried. I really dislike him. About my new Spanish teacher,I had her substitute for the whole year in year 8 and I can say that she does not know Spanish enough to teach others.Her own students picked out some mistakes while she was writing on the board.
 Okay so maybe my teachers are not as good as I wished they were. OH GOD. Mr. Whrightson, my maths teacher. He LOVES to pick on me.... I dont know why but he gave me that stupid nickname "kat" Why?! I will have him this year and my nightmares begin.
No new kid in our year but the new year 7's seem so small. I became a prefect today as well so I have to help the new year 7 if they struggle in anything. They are the cutest things ever.
So school was fine and everyone was cool but I still prefer holidays. :P

One and Only..... blog?

Although I am quite sure that I have gained weight I dont think I did either. I have that teenage moment were everything I see and everything I do seems deceiving. Is that what Rene Descartes felt when he thought that the evil demon was deceiving the whole world... He was probably a bit more paranoid about it in my opinion. So I have finally found a perfect website to create my blog on. After hours of searching and countless registering to other useless blog making websites I have finally found the one and only that I feel like I could have a bond with. I sound insane Lol I am honest though. I hated writing in my diary because its too much effort but now I can opening transfer whats in my head to a virtual paper. I will write on this blog what I feel at times and what are my countless obsessions and from what I am now I will want to become someone more confident and someone that could communicate with other people easily. Well now that I have another 30 minutes to sit around and do nothing since I am ready for school and all I can do is spam my own blog. LOL I am obviously really bored. Huh

This is me that was created.

As a young child I always got out of trouble in a simple and cute manner. I just made friends. It was not so hard then. I just walked up to a random kid and asked about their name and from that moment everything was fine. I didn't care what people thought or how they seen me. Perhaps all that slipped away when I moved to England however I shouldn't have let it go since that could have spared me many tears.Now it's as if I didn't exist. I walk uptown and no matter how much I try to look good people seem to not care. I wonder, what is the actual point of me trying to look good when all I get is a complement from my mum and sometimes not even that. I need to grab the bull by its horns and be in charge of my own life. However how do you do that when you are afraid to speak to anyone. Even a church confession became terrifying. Although in my head I have that vision of me that I would want to be but there is that huge wall that I could never destroy. I have created an insecure shy and antisocial me that I would want to get rid of right away! I have a couple of friends that are good to have a laugh with and I appreciate what I have even though I did want more. Maybe a best friend that I could talk to about everything and nothing. I had a best friend before but she ditched me for her boyfriend. Its upsetting but I am actually better off without her.Today Im going back to school and with that I started a new blog so I could write my daily dilemmas on to something. I had a diary but it just doesn't seem enough anymore. Well fingers crossed today will be pleasant.