Hospital trip

Oh yeah I was in the hospital a few days ago. It was terrible. I had a terrifying allergic reaction. Something so called prophylaxis. Its when my muscles tense up everywhere in my body and my throat especially and i simply stop breathing after a while. Mum called the ambulance when she seen me red with a swollen face. My eyes itched and then after like 10 min I was in an ambulance unable to breathe. It was a nightmare.. HUH    I was fine after they gave me drugs like ant-histamine and adrenaline. People in the hospital were so nice :3

I just can't do it

I am finding this really difficult. I don't want to be in  relationship with a best friend. I want my perfect sixth former. Why won't he talk to me?! WHY?! I dont understand I would try to talk to someone who talked to me before... For Christmas I would that guy to at least show a little interest. I dont know why i feel so strongly about him...we never even spoke. Huh this strange. It takes me months or years to fall for someone and there i am, crazy for a person I don't know. Someone i see around school. This is killing me! Not literally. Anyway, parents argue a lot recently. Its scary sometimes. I think at some points that one of them will do something they might regret later. I am kind of worried about  everything. Its hard concentrating on studying if some many stuff is going on. I try, i really do. I just feel like crying all the time. I started crying on the way to school because of the problems we have at home. Everything is just happening to fast at the same time. I just can't deal with that.

Hopefully new me

Since I am a sad little individual I am stopping with all of the depressive thoughts about how shit I am and how ugly I am. I decided to make a list of things I need to improve and things I will not do. I will call this "The new me list" :

• I will not bring myself down when it comes to my weight 
• I will not get depressed over no relationship
• I will improve my grades 
• I will improve my attitude towards learning
• I will keep my room tidy
• I will be nice to everyone even if they dislike me. 

I am aware that there is a lot of "I" hahaaha oh well.Maybe this will help. 

The turn in the good ending.

I suspected it but never thought it might be true. I didn't write for ages because everything is going fine. I dont bring myself down about stuff. I just feel better as a person and I gave up on the sixth form guy although he is still extremely fit. I would go for him if he showed any sort of interest in me but meh I won't be a creep. Lol 

Anyway the first sentence of this post is about the fact my friend... lets call her Sally. Well, my friend sally decided to tell me that my best guy friend whom i play games with and shit fancies me. She told me but its not like he's asking me out. Its more like so i could think about the feelings I have towards him I guess. However the problem is that I have no other feelings towards him other than friendship love. Its just weird. Me falling for a guy I never talked to and I cant love my best guy friend. Im messed up... He is amazing and stuff but I don't think i would be able to love him in any other way than as a friend. The ending line Sally said was "think about it" and I am. I really am but i am thinking i can't like him! I also think that he probably would be an amazing boyfriend but i dont know why he just doesn't trigger that thing inside me that would make him attractive to me in a romantic manner. 

I guess I have my answer. I made a mistake once by going out with a friend. It really didn't go well when i broke up with him... REALLY. So thats a no if he asks me. 

I am a terrible person, I first moan about not finding someone special. But I push away someone who I am special to. AAAAH World is too confusing. I wish i could just make it work just right to suit me. 

Teachers Strike

Im the good student. The nice one.... well when i'm around teachers. The working hard one and other shit. Today teachers are striking however year 11 (my year) and sixth form is still going to the school. I dont feel well as in I feel ill so Im wondering whether I should go or stay. Although my mum insists on me going since she doesnt really believe me that I feel crappy. Mothers, eh? Im thinking that maybe I will get a worse cold by going and then she mimght believe me and then I will tell her in a very interesting however sarcastic manner "Im not ill, hmm?" Lol well g2g

Not fair

I am just too stupid for this or too young or maybe not experiences. I dont even know. But I feel so terrible... Like i tried my best and got all of my courage to say something to him even though its only online. I just fee fucking stupid. People dont realise what kind of person I am because they dont give me any kind of way to show them what Im like. I hate it I really do actually. If he continued the conversation he might've liked me. Im just so fucking ridiculous I hate myself and i want to disappear

Dissapointment

I am the stupidest person ever.... I spoke to him. I actually did after a while. I was playful and nice and talkative and he put a lot of "hahaha" but i dont think he was interested at all. I asked him a question just to get the conversation going and he just blanked me completely.I send him  message and he didn't reply although i knew he seen the message on fb  Im so fucking stupid. I just hate myself right now. Just simply ridiculous. I will just wait until someone special comes along. I will stop trying. Thats it. I dont care. I can end up with 30 cats for all i care. Im just a fat, ugly and naive teenager that needs to sort her brains out.